I’ve learnt a lot about my self in the past year or so, not because of any one drastic change but more as a reflection of the challenges of every day life. There’s moments where I catch myself in the midst of washing dishes, walking poppy, or chopping vegetables and I think: “Why didn’t I realise that earlier…?“
When I finally accepted treatment and opened my arms up to the possibilities of (real) recovery six months ago, I was, in retrospect, abstinent about actual transition; unsure of so much yet willing to open my arms and my heart to the biggest and most life altering change. Six months on and I feel a little more grounded, a little more confident and yet, I question so much, wonder what will happen next, hold my breath when really, I should be exhaling.
There’s been moments on this journey, so far, where I have considered giving up – so much so that I questioned my ability and turned from the page, unsure whether I would return. Take today for instance. A goodbye meal out with college friends I have known only a year (though will have a place in my heart forever) was a first when it came to eating out and not opting for the salad option. Doing it “properly” felt satisfying, it felt real, and hell, and even a little euphoric. But the battle before hand led me to doubt wether it could ever be possible, but then I look back, and forward at where I am now and smile, knowing that I have come this (far) and have much further to go and I somehow accomplished (and shall keep accomplishing). Defeating? It feels so good.
And then theres those times in life when we realise how blessed we are. This morning I stumbled into the kitchen to make breakfast and was greeted by this beautiful little bud and the cutest note from my momma left underneath.
Its moments like these in which I’m thankful for the little things.