(Meals Of Late)
Since Monday I feel like I’ve been on a mission for meaning – a reason to keep going, a reason to wake, eat, nourish, feel. Monday afternoon came, as did the long awaited phone call our family had been waiting for for over three years. We had sold our house. The contracts are still yet to be signed, but it looks like I will be leaving this (life) place behind in the next three months.
Its a mix, of everything. That phone call that afternoon was like the devils gift. Its taken me almost five years to find genuine and appropriate health care and a (good) treatment centre for an eating disorder thats almost destroyed my life, and to leave now? It almost feels like walking away from people who know me, who have supported me, from guidance. In so many other ways though, its a well needed, and long awaited blessing, a shinning light. Here, there holds nothing but unwanted memories, inescapable toxic air and places and leaving to build something new, something beautiful is both fresh and exciting (and perhaps even a chance to discover myself, in reference to my last post).
So, days are long, currently. Im spending an awful lot of time being aware of tripping, treading finely (so finely) and trying hard not to fall. Eating, not really knowing why, or how, or how to process afterwards, and if what Im even eating is even “right” given that the process of preparation and choosing is in my own hands (hard). Im determined though, to spend this life by that sea, free, doing something that I live passionately for (photography) and not between the four walls of this home, here in the North, or between the walls of an Inpatient Eating Disorders unit, and I guess, thats is why (Im telling myself), I have to keep nourishing like I do.